A few weeks ago, a life incident made me want to quit all the things. I attempted to write about it, but the draft is just that – a draft, left for only me to read or think about.
I changed my lock screen from “You are a Soul” (which you can download here by subscribing) to one just as pretty that said, “Head down. Blinders on. Stay in your lane.”
My friend even sent me an applicable bible verse to go along with it.
“So tend to your own knitting. You’ve got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God.”
Romans 14:12b (The Message)
By quitting all of the things, I really meant ministry, external ministry, anything outside the scope of my home and immediate family. My quitting wasn’t exactly biblical or right, but I thought it right for me in the moment.
My ministry, if you can call it that, is quirky and weird. I haven’t been writing lately. I haven’t been doing anything seen or traditional, but I had been doing things, very small things, but things nonetheless. And even in the areas that were traditional and seen, I was literally just another body in a room. Showing up week after week with little to no understanding of why I was doing it. Other than I thought God led me to it at some point.
When I decided to stop all the things, I did so because I couldn’t see. I couldn’t see that I mattered in the Kingdom. I couldn’t see anything being built through me (with Christ) in the Kingdom. To be honest, all that I was doing when viewed through the eyes of another looked very foolish. And I am one who hates to have an egg or pie face. I don’t like to look or feel foolish.
My ministry being unique, it is hard to build value for it when others don’t have a similar ministry or even when no one really sees it. I tried to set it aside knowing that it is something I am built to do, that I can’t really
You see God and I have this long history. I believe He called me into ministry. But I’m not in the jungles of somewhere serving Christ. And I don’t work at a church, and no one really thinks of this little chica as a minister with a ministry. I am just a mom and a mediocre wife.
Maybe the thing is I want some sort of ministry title to give me significance, even if my importance is simply because God made me and put me on planet Earth to breath out His glory.
But the thing is, I often don’t know if God has really told me to do anything or if I made everything up in my head. Do I really know anything or nothing? I easily doubt that I know anything about what God has directed me to do or not do because I get it wrong like almost 80-90% of the time.
When God thwarts the growing of all the things you try to do, eventually you get the message that maybe that’s not what you should do. I’m thick-headed, so it took me a hot minute or several long years.
I decided that maybe I had gotten it all wrong. At 42, I thought I would have a sense of purpose outside of me. I hoped I would have a flourishing ministry, a happy family, and a lot of things that are now hard for me to hope for — even on a good day.
So imagine my surprise when, on Sunday, God spoke to me while sitting in middle school ministry listening to the co-leader teach middle schoolers. (Irony, anyone? anyone? Just me. okay)
He showed me that I had been living scared. Immobile. And all because I was afraid of all the things. And what He said was that I should be sharing and writing. Perhaps even when it doesn’t make sense, have a purpose, and is scary to do so. {None of the writing professionals are going to tell you to write
Me and God:
Me: How can I write when I have nothing to say?
Him: Do it anyway? Just write.
Me: Okay, you are sounding very much like some writer coach. I, literally, have nothing to say. No smart tidbits. No unique insights. Nothing interesting or super applicable. Nothing that seems shareable from my time in the Word. I got nothing.
Him: staring me down.
Him: You think I can’t use that?
So here I am today. Showing up. Writing scared about a little tidbit of my life that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of all that is important.
How curious it is that God would want me to keep doing something that feels like nothing! Maybe He is making something new I cannot see and do not have an inkling of awareness of.
Even today, I don’t have a fluffy, this-is-what-I-learned bow to summarize this post. I still cannot see my place in the Kingdom. I only know that I have one. This leads me to write in faith, blind to my significance. I write curiously, openly, obediently to see where He leads even if seemingly nothing happens. At this moment, I am blind to His work in and through me. All I know is when you cannot see, choose faith. Mysterious, beautiful faith.
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