“Patiently Endure While I Wait”

I have been waiting a lot during 2020. I’m sure many can relate. I started the Revelations Bible reading plan through the First5 app and this weekend was a teaching from Lyli Dunbar. She said a phrase that made me ponder, “patiently endure while I wait.”

The Lord led me to the word “abide” for 2020. I have gotten plenty of opportunities to abide. Be it being at home from the pandemic but more often because of very personal things He is doing in me causing me to wait them out. Waiting has been a theme while I abide. Truly, I need to abide because waiting kinda makes me want to run. 

I have grown weary in some of the times. To be honest, I had hoped I had grown more patient and enduring already. But the waiting and at times even questioning and wondering have allowed me to mature (honestly the jury is out on this – I feel less mature) and root down deeper searching for water. A plant in crisis can shrivel or it can strengthen. Which one am I?

There’s one thing I’ve been waiting on for over 20 years. How do I patiently endure while I wait? I’ve recently been wondering if I need to give up on it. Through those 20 years, many times in many ways, I have, but then I would renew my vision and wait again. Earlier this year, something happened to give me hope for that thing to grow. But then, the door closed. So while I recognized God’s hand in it, it only reenergized the questions of why and who and why and how long and when and why? Do I truly know the sound of your voice, Lord? or only my own? If I cannot hear you or see you, do I know you?

Did you know that the flowers that bloom in the desert have to root deeper in the soil in order to survive and bloom? In my pain, I’ve listened to a lot of sermons and messages and bible authority figures. This is a tidbit I learned. Allison Allen on Instagram writes that in, “just one well-timed “drought/stress” event can cause the roots of the vine to grow deeper into the soil, in search of water. And in the struggle to find water, certain compounds are released in the vine, that actually have the effect of sweetening the fruit.” Mika Edmundson said in his sermon that Christmas roses or winter flowers are much the same. (The picture I chose for this post is of a Christmas rose.)

Seasons of endurance cause us to press into God. Even when we are wondering where God is, we choose to trust that He is faithful even when we cannot see Him with our eyes. 

If we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Ro 8:25

We wait with hope and patience. Waiting with fear or doubt because of what we see takes our eyes off the end price of Christ himself.

Waiting often feels dark. I feel deaf and blind. When it gets dark, what do I need to do? Though I may be blind in knowing where to look, I pause my stumbling and rushing and listen. Sometimes in the waiting, his voice feels super quiet and soft. I pray for eyes to see and ears to hear. Physically, I might want to drop to the ground and use my hands to feel around until I can see where to go again.

I have to quiet my internal chaos and wrestling to hear His gentle whisper. Because it’s dark, I have to let my eyes and ears adjust to the darkness. I’m not completely blind, I’m just in unknown territory. When my eyes adjust, they are in tune and ready to see the light. Darkness primes the senses to be used in a new way. Even the ears are more sensitive.

I’m somewhat envious of those who hear the voice of the Lord steadily and soundly. For me, His voice takes discernment and persistence. I recognize that maybe He is training me for blooming and growing in a way that the One who hears steadily and soundly does not. Maybe I’m like the desert flower instead. My roots are digging deeper. I’m not convinced my fruit will be sweeter, but I hope it will be. In some ways, while I wait, I do what this quote from Sleepless in Seattle says,

I’m gonna get out of bed every morning … breathe in and out all day long. Then after a while, I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out. And then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

Sam from Sleepless in Seattle

I patiently endure while I wait or while we wait, we keep living and hoping. Quietly asking for belief to be birthed when it feels dead, and hope to rise with the Savior’s wings. The Savior who never stops praying me all the way home, even when I don’t know how to get there on my own, strengthens me, even when I feel too weak to see or hear. He’s training me to bloom.